


Ultra 64

by RadiantFalcon



Category: Condensations
Genre: I got around the fanfiction.net problem, Radiant Falcon, Radiantfalcon, condensation parody, like book-a-minute for games, ultra 64
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-01-22
Updated: 2013-01-22
Packaged: 2017-11-26 11:46:46
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 1,661
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/650188
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RadiantFalcon/pseuds/RadiantFalcon
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The King of all condensed parodies is now on AO3! See the House of the Dead's Goldman steal Sigma's lines! See Kirby OHKO the Heavy Lobster! See Andross Cosby! It's all here on Ultra 64 on AO3</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Sonic the Hedgehog 3

**Welcome to Ultra 64. I am your narrator, and my name is just N. No, I'm not that guy from Pokemon BW, sheesh. This is a condensation parody series that I've worked on since 2007-2008, and finally decided to publish here. We're going to introduce the condensations in packs of three at a time, until we get caught up with what we've got on ff.net. The goal is to have sixty four total, though there may be sequels. As well, there will be notes that I've made that commentates on particular elements of the story I've changed.**

**To start with: Ultra 64 is stuck at that stupid up-and-down drum (you know the one) in Sonic the Hedgehog 3!**

**_ATUHOR'S NOSE: this chapter was the first ever for the story, and as such has a different style._**

  


After the Death Egg BLEW UP in the events of Sonic 2, Eggman decided to try something DIFFERENT.

Eggman: Har. I shall steal this thingy.

_Unfortunately, Eggman doesn't know what THIS THINGY is, so he GOES out LOOKING for it. Meanwhile, Sonic and Tails were enjoying a relaxing day on the beach. WHEN SUDDENLY Tails decides to take a JOYRIDE in Sonic's plane, and Sonic, of course, is at the wing._

Sonic: HAAAAAAAA!

_With that SCREAM of POWER, Sonic transforms into Super Sonic, and goes off to this unknown ISLAND in the middle of the SEA._

Sonic: WHOOOOOO-Ow!

_So then Sonic RUNS-or FLIES, rather,- Right into some RED ECHIDNA guy and throws his seven CHAOS EMERALDS that he just happened to have had on him at the time all over the place._

Knuckles: Boo. I'm-a taking these. All seven of 'em.

_KNUCKLES takes the SEVEN CHAOS EMERALDS faster than you can say "SAY-GUH". THEN Sonic and Tails go through Angel Island. They get about halfway there, when they see..._

Fire-breathing mechanism-contraption thingy: We didn't start the fire. It's been burning since the world's been turning.

_The Sub-boss totally ruinates the place by SETTING IT ON FIRE. After a quick runthrough again, they meet up with the sub-boss, totally making its head spin with the Flame Barrier you should've got by now. But then there's the matter of Angel Island Zone being ON FIRE that Sonic and Tails have to go through. But then, they find this big golden ring like in Sonic 1._

Sonic: Nostalgia Alert!

_Sonic, being the dumbass he is, jumps into it, and is whisked away to the SPECIAL STAGE, this time a sphere in which you have to turn blue spheres into red spheres. ALL OF THEM._

Sonic: DAMMIT!

_He wins, and gets one of those Chaos Emeralds he lost. Afterwards they are chased by the Flying Battery, which drops tha bomb on you. Or rather, it should've. After that encounter and the obligatory Eggman-machine trashing and birdie freeing, you find KNUCKLES on top of a cliff._

Knuckles: Take this, Jerks!

_Knuckles JUMPS on a conveniently located Bridge killer button. You then fall right into HYDROCITY ZONE, Which looks ROMAN to me._

Sonic: GAH! WATER!

_Unfortunately, Sonic CANNOT SWIM and hold his breath underwater for more than THIRTY SECONDS at a time. SOMEHOW he gets through Acts one and two, eventually encountering RAD RED. Knux hits another bridge destroying device, and Sonic and Tails find themselves against Eggy again._

Eggman: HAHAHAHA! I'm too high up for you to jump on me!

_He is. But STUPIDLY Eggman launches a bomb at Sonic's FOOT. Then Sonic JUMPS, and is propelled high in the air. Eggman winces. Seven hits later and Eggy's machine sinks. After you free the birdies again, the duo hears rumbling. Then suddenly a big geyser comes up and launches Sonic and Tails into MARBLE GARDEN ZONE._

Sonic: The name sounds like Marble Zone.

_DESPITE SIMILARITES, the Marble Garden does not have any roman buildings or lava flows. ANYWAY, About halfway into Act II, Sonic activates an earthquake button._

Sonic: RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!

_SOMEHOW Sonic makes it through the stage unscathed. Then Eggman appears with a drill machine similar to the one he had in Sonic 2. Then he FLIES INTO THE AIR. This is the time where Tails comes to save your sorry ass and helps you defeat the Drill Machine in AERIAL COMBAT. Then, in a surprise twist, Sonic and Tails warp to Carnival Night Zone, the obligatory Fun-with-Sonic-Physics stage._

Sonic: HEY! There's no Pinball flippers or Slot Machine bonuses here!

_HE'S RIGHT. There is the cheap cop-out bumpers though. Anyway, You get through Act 1, then come to the infamous CARNIVAL DRUM part. Turns out, all you have to do is hold the down button enough to make it to the bottom passage. So then you get to another part in Act II where you encounter Knux again. Rad Red KNOCKS THE LIGHTS OUT. After you get past that part, and thrash Eggy's new machine,you go into a cannon that shoots you straight into Ice Cap Zone, the one zone whose song has been remixed more than any other song in Sonic history. Sonic whips out a snowboard OUT OF NOWHERE and rides down the mountain._

Sonic: weee! This is FUN!

_It is. Sonic's joyride through the mountain is interrupted by a FREAKIN' CLIFF and he falls off the snowboard. He goes through the mountain and meets up with a strangely familiar boss._

Sonic: Dude, you copied your own machine! Eggman, you're running out of ideas.

_After trashing that Metropolis Boss wannabe, Sonic goes through ACT 2 and somehow gets to EGGMAN. The Eggman attempts to FREEZE Sonic, but he isn't affected. Sonic JUMPS on the Egg Freezer thingy eight times. IT'S SUPER EFFECTIVE. After that excursion, they go to Launch Base, wherein the Death Egg is almost ready to be relaunched. They go through dozens of traps and whatnot, only to find Knuckles waiting for them at the top of a tower._

Sonic: What.

_After Knux up and destroys the tower, and you defeat the SPINNING METAL THING OF DEATH, you go to ACT 2, wherein, at the end of it, You face off against Eggman's GIANT INERT BALLS._

Sonic: What.

_After that, Eggman STUPIDLY leaves his Eggmobile behind. Sonic pulls a GTA and JACKS it. Then the Red Echidna dude shows up and PUNCHES it, doing... not much._

Knuckles: HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

_AND THEN THE DEATH EGG LAUNCHES. Knux FALLS OFF the girder he was on. And then you rise up to a platform, wherein Eggman gets revenge for his Eggmobile being STOLENED._

Eggman: EAT LASER.

_Eggman shoots lasers at you from his triple-tiered laser-firing contraption. Sonic makes a lot of holes in it, and Eggman retreats. Then the sky goes black._

Sonic: Uh oh. THIS CAN ONLY MEAN ONE THING.

_Sonic's right. Eggman comes back as a scary looking machine that freaked me out the first time I came across it._

Eggman: HA. FEAR MY MAGIC HAND.

_Sonic beats it by jumping on a small hitbox not directly above the scary man. No sirree. And then the Death Egg sinks for no apparent reason. Which brings us to..._

**SONIC 3 WILL RETURN AFTER THIS ENDING**


	2. Soul Edge

**Ultra 64's early stuff continues in Soul Edge!**

**_ATUHOR'S NOSE: This is another early CP from 2008. Remember, packs of three._ **

There once was a time when this one dude FORGED a SWORD. An EVIL SWORD called SOUL EDGE. TEN fighters from across the world fought for it.

Mitsurugi: I'm the Samurai. My main goal is to best some rifle someone made.

Li Long: I'm the martial artist. I'm supposed to kill Mitsurugi because he killed my wife. Allegedly.

Voldo: HIISSSSSSS...

Taki: I'm the token ninja. My sex appeal level is exactly 8999.

Siegfried: I'm the knight. I accidentally killed my own father, and I will not rest until I seek vengance for him!

Rock: I'm the atypical strong dude. Does anyone care about my british origin?

Hwang Sung-Kyung: I'm Korean.

Seung Mina: Me too!

Sophitia: I'm the nice greek girl. I'm sorry!

Cervantes de Leon: I'm the freakin' pirate. I wield Soul Edge, and I'm going to take over the world!

_With this cast in play, A FIGHTING GAME ensues. In the end, Taki faces off against Cervantes._

Taki: DEATH TO CERVANTES!

Cervantes: Let's fight!

_They do. Taki wins, and as such Soul Edge SHATTERS into, like, a BILLION pieces. And then Siegfried shows up._

Siegfried: HELLO? ANYONE THERE?

_Siegfried finds Soul Edge and grabs it, unwittingly becoming the villain in future installments, Nightmare._

Nightmare: WITH THIS SWORD, I WILL RULE THE WORLD!

_Mitsurugi never does beat that rifle, and Li Long dies. Allegedly._

**SOUL END**


	3. Castlevania II: Simon's Quest

**Ultra 64 ressurrects the Lord of All Evil... only to kill him again in Castlevania II: Simon's Quest!**

**_ATUHOR'S NOSE: the last one I'm publishing this update, this is one of the shorter Condensations I've done._ **

**_SEVEN YEARS after the events of Castlevania 1, Simon Belmont visits his family grave, when suddenly he feels a sharp pain in his back._ **

**Simon: I hope it's not arthritis. I mean, I have to be in like my late-thirties or something.**

**_It's not. It's actually a CURSE that Dracula put on Simon after the first Castlevania. I bet he didn't see that one comin'._ **

**Simon: What a horrible night to have a curse!**

**_It is. Somehow, he finds out that to lift the curse he has to collect Drac's body parts, ressurect him, then kill him again. So he goes off to do that, in a style of gameplay in which mirrors that of the famed Symphony of the Night, which won't happen for another two hundred or so years. Chronologically, of course._ **

**_SO ANYWAY: Simon goes on, and finds Dracula's Rib._ **

**Game: YOU GOT DRACULA'S RIB**

**_Simon then goes on to find four more of Dracula's bones, then it's off to Castlevania to strike down Drac. Simon puts together Dracula's body._ **

**Dracula: BLAAAAAAAAAAARG!**

**_Simon then kills Dracula again, thus lifting the curse._ **

**Simon: That was a horrible night to have a curse!**

****SIMON'S ENDING** **


End file.
